Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Boobs are out for the taking
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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