my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
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