so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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