I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
