Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
