I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
