I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
