Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
