I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
