Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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