I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
