fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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