I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
That's intense
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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