I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
