Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
