I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
