Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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