He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
