sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
