my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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