Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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