my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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