i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
