The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
