I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
