I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
