Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
