Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Barsexuality is the new black.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
