Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
