apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
