last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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