Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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