well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
