I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
