How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
