I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
