Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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