dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
