I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
