I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
