some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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