i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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