someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
