So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
