my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
