listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
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She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
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Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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