Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
