mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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