Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
