if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
