dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
