I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
