I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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