my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
