Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
