Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
