clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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