I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
