Im at strip club and am horny
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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