If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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