god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
