absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
