in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
